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Submitted on
January 9, 2012
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I don't know how to say this
So I will try to get it right
'Cause ever since our first kiss
And since that first night
I've been trying not to feel this
I've been trying not to fall
As I'm not sure what this is
'Cause I'm too used to standing tall

I'm not used to falling under
All these feelings and this hope
Far too used to split and sunder
I don't know to stay or go

I'm not good at being open
And being read just like a book
Just makes it easy to get broken
With just one word or just one look

And this thing it wasn't planned
We didn't know that this would build
But through the dry and cracking land
A flower grew that didn't wilt
But we're not made for one another
And that scares me most of all
'Cause we were friends who became lovers
We'd lose a lot if we did fall

We're not used to all this wanting
We're not used to feeling weak
Used to only seeing one thing
But now I know you see through me

You've been there when I've been broken
I've been there when you've been ditched
But now we're in the deep, we're in the open
And there's a lot that's now at risk

You've got a drawer of stuff at my place
And my whole room it smells like you
Both our pasts have been so enlaced
To one past we don't want to lose
You drive me crazy in the mornings
I drive you crazy late at night
Maybe they're signs of early warning
That it wouldn't end out right

Too much to lose
Too much to risk
For me and you
For just one kiss

I wish we could
And you do too
Don't mean we should
Too much to lose

We'll just get used to this loud beating
We'll just get used to feeling more
Keep using same exhausted greetings
Keep smiling right out the front door

We'll get used to keeping quiet
Because we've got too much to risk
'Cause we can't know that we could make it
From just one drunken midnight kiss
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:iconabbiezabba:
I have heard a lot of songs, stories ex. Like this before, But nevertheless its very good! I like how you elaborate on certain areas And I love how you didn't mention anything too graphic because those songs are just pointless and wrong. There are a few lines in this song where It just doesn't flow and maybe you could change them a little bit. Other than that very nice work!!
here you go! :)

"And since that first night" needs more syllables.

"Just makes it easy to get broken" has too many syllables. I suggest taking out "just"

"But we're not made for one another" Again too many syllables, Think you should take out the word "but"

"'Cause we were friends who became lovers" I think your problem is the syllables because if you took out and added some words I think It would flow much better. I think your working on lines that have 7-8 syllables, so if you stick to that It will sound much better In this case (you guessed it) Take out the word "cause".

"Used to only seeing one thing" Repetition can sometimes make you think. In this case I think it would be better if you changed it to "We were used to seeing one thing"

"But now we're in the deep, we're in the open" 11 syllables....
Thats a lot. Gotta shorten this down. Try, "Were in the deep, In the open"

*this is something that It will sound good either way but the line after this is already 8 syllables so I would take out the "And" in "And there's a lot that's now at risk"*

"I drive you crazy late at night" So for the 9 syllable thing If you want it to work you have to have a 7 syllable after it. I would take out "late".

"Keep smiling right out the front door" Take out front.

"Because we've got too much to risk" Because to cause

"From just one drunken midnight kiss" Take out Just.

Hope you like my Ideas!! :) Your a great writer!!!!! :D
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:iconthedarkenedbride:
TheDarkenedBride Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this has potential!
Reply
:iconrichardkail:
RichardKail Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
I like this :)
Reply
:iconmmanultra:
MManUltra Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
good stuff...
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